There are several feelings caroming about the chambers of my heart at the moment. I am slightly more alone than I have been since moving to California. My Grandparents were out here for two weeks & I hardly had a chance to hang with them: Christmas Eve & Day, New Years Eve & some day-- games nights with them when Mariko was here-- & then there is that. It was nice to have my sister near me. She brings the levity & silliness out of me better than any other. It was nice to feel like me again, for however shortly. I am certain, that more often than not as of late, I have not been myself. I awake, in moments of lucidity in between burning the binges at both ends, desiring to level up a couple of my statistics. I have all the tools, but continue to holdfast to an outdated modus operandi. It has taken root in my core. It is like reloading from the same saved game file repeatedly trying to beat a boss, or clear this level or dungeon-- but you keep failing. That saved game file is rapidly dissuading me from playing. Moving to another place hasn't dislodged it. Maybe Kansas will. Or Japan. I wouldn't bet the plane fare on it though.
My severance with my family has put into crooked perspective my activities these last several months & the foreshadows for the coming months. I've been longing for some closeness, and have been haphazardly seeking it in ill-begotten ways. Less physical than it is emotional closeness that I crave. I want to be best friended again, rather than partnered. I don't need to sexually objectify someone to have a friend & confidant. Someone who knows how to draw the magic out of me, someone to help share in some mutual inspiration-- each other the sieve into which we pour our idle thoughts to find the ones that cause commotion. Where's my fucking sherpa? & why do I need one? I can no longer identify the captain of this ship-- a little help at the helm would be appreciated. Who is making decisions around here, anyway? The heart, the head..zealous overindulgence?
There is this hungry little baby boy inside of me whom I cannot ignore..so loud his wailing, so insatiable his hunger & thirst. Whet & slake. He is boring me. He is distracting me. He is destroying me. So long has my mind been cloudy with the preoccupation of feeding this little bastard a thousand other tasks have gone undone. His energy must be shunted, his eyes welded, his lips sewn, his capacity for excess stunted.