still sailing south's journal
You are viewing 4 entries, 4 into the past.
Sunday January, 4th 2015

There are several feelings caroming about the chambers of my heart at the moment. I am slightly more alone than I have been since moving to California. My Grandparents were out here for two weeks & I hardly had a chance to hang with them: Christmas Eve & Day, New Years Eve & some day-- games nights with them when Mariko was here-- & then there is that. It was nice to have my sister near me. She brings the levity & silliness out of me better than any other. It was nice to feel like me again, for however shortly. I am certain, that more often than not as of late, I have not been myself. I awake, in moments of lucidity in between burning the binges at both ends, desiring to level up a couple of my statistics. I have all the tools, but continue to holdfast to an outdated modus operandi. It has taken root in my core. It is like reloading from the same saved game file repeatedly trying to beat a boss, or clear this level or dungeon-- but you keep failing. That saved game file is rapidly dissuading me from playing. Moving to another place hasn't dislodged it. Maybe Kansas will. Or Japan. I wouldn't bet the plane fare on it though.

My severance with my family has put into crooked perspective my activities these last several months & the foreshadows for the coming months. I've been longing for some closeness, and have been haphazardly seeking it in ill-begotten ways. Less physical than it is emotional closeness that I crave. I want to be best friended again, rather than partnered. I don't need to sexually objectify someone to have a friend & confidant. Someone who knows how to draw the magic out of me, someone to help share in some mutual inspiration-- each other the sieve into which we pour our idle thoughts to find the ones that cause commotion. Where's my fucking sherpa? & why do I need one? I can no longer identify the captain of this ship-- a little help at the helm would be appreciated. Who is making decisions around here, anyway? The heart, the head..zealous overindulgence?

There is this hungry little baby boy inside of me whom I cannot loud his wailing, so insatiable his hunger & thirst. Whet & slake. He is boring me. He is distracting me. He is destroying me. So long has my mind been cloudy with the preoccupation of feeding this little bastard a thousand other tasks have gone undone. His energy must be shunted, his eyes welded, his lips sewn, his capacity for excess stunted.

Wednesday June, 12th 2013
2:29 pm - Somedays I get lonesome.

It is strange, to be reaching out to you again, my dearest friend, after so long. It should not be, as we were once as brothers, and it should not require my lonesomeness and solemnity to lay down my lance. The difficulty is in my heart. I haven't spoken to you in so many ages. Because I failed you. Because you failed me. Because words failed me. Because I was mad at myself. Because I was mad at you. These are not excuses, just reasons. In the end I owe it to you to realize and admit that time has grown short. So uncertain are the days we have left. There is no guarantor that we will complete any leg of this marathon. Countless steps have I traveled in the wrong direction. I used to think I was running away from you-- now I know I was only running away from myself. And the dawning of a terrible truth: it is not the years that have passed us by, but opportunities.

Sunday March, 10th 2013
5:12 am -

This is all immaterial. Nothing matters now. Except me.

4:40 am - 2/7/10

I guess it wouldn't be such a bad thing if you were so lost & w/o guidance that you came to me as I did on that fateful day so recently. But you do not-- & so I do not see your petition w/ import. I ignore it. You call & text to the point of absurdity. I ignore. You continually insult & provoke. & I ignore. you do these things to gain my attention, something I've learned not to give to one such as you. Doing so only emboldens you & feeds your frenzy. Instead, I contemplate the severity of what it is you do..not just with a frame of reference w/ regard to my own interaction w/ you, but from the pov of the rest of your relationships. I see why you have such a myriad of interpersonal problems. You manifest these problems through your mindless meandering through personal places in others' lives. You threaten & make yourself a walking threat. By nature a threat is not something that can be ignored, which immediately sates your need for attention--yes damages further & jeopardizes that which you hope to secure. You sow feuds w/ those you wish only to love & create history w/. What you do is destroy your chances of fruition. I know what you think of eric & what you think of me & frankly, I don't care. You have a problem, b/c what you seek to do is enervate a relationship w/ me which you destroyed. You may name your actions as good intentions, you can sing your psalms of good deeds going unpublished, you can make yourself a martyr for your cause-- but you, & I know, that your words are moribund & corrupt. Your motives are masked & procured by hate & jealousy. You seek to destroy what I hold dear, b/c you cannot for a second imagine that I would change as I have. Well today Eric, I am here to let you know, I don't need you to widen the birthing tracks of your imagination for my life to continue in the upward path it has been following. In fact, I think you recognize this disimilarity between us more than even I have at times. Ever since I left you, you have been attempting to pull me back to your level. Well, I am not so similarly a heathen as you. Your striking ability to abase others, I retain only for you. Ask any who have felt the sting of the harsh side of your tongue. & why? You might ask? Why not anyone else, (for when you find no answer in reply, as surely you will upon soliciting others for information) is it b/c you above all others I loate so greatly!!? No Eric, my dislike is not so indiscriminant. I have reserved this leanred behavior for you alone, b/c you alone have merited it. You alone have perpetrated the indecencies worthy of such treatment. Your malicious candor has taught me one thing: that you will always do what you feel to be right in your heart. & your heart is hard. You will stop at no length to exact what effect you feel to be deserved. & you are often wrong. You are ruthless in your verbiage & callous in your convictions. You exacerbate fragile states w/ a keenness reserved for saboteurs & you do it willingly & gleefully. You do it to your own disgrace. I could easily call you out for being a sallow faced faggot, who was never worthy of love in the first place, I could tell you of your faults & flaws & do so publicly, I could engage you in public forums & shred you w/ shrewdidty myself & deliver you to humility like the cowardly little boy you are. I could tell you a thousand things about yourself to which I have no right to say & you have now wish to hear. But I am better than that. I am better than you. I write this on my phone as I am being shuttled home from a theatre in Seattle-- I write this knowing that I am drawing closer yet to my home, where someone who loves me awaits. & although he may not be perfect, he may have some growing to do, I am proud that @ least he is capable of growth, something you will have to learn to do. You think you have come far, Eric, but you are the same as you ever were. The vulture.